My First Rub & Tug

Prof. Clenchington · 10-16-2009, 06:45 AM

So, I'm contemplating going to this "adult massage joint" a few blocks from my house, but I have a few issues I need to iron out first, seeing as it will be my first time going to one.

Ahem.

1. If I walk in and all the women look like a bag of rusty ski-doo parts, is it disrespectful to just peace the fuck out?

2. Should I strike up a conversation with the woman or just point to my junk and lay down? I don't want to pay extra for unnessesary chit chat.

3. Should I bring a condom?

4. Is it rude to ask her to wash her hands before she touches me? After all, it's technically gay if she rubs off some dude and smears that filth all over me. Fuck that.

5. Do I have to sign some sort of legal document stating that the Massage Studio will not be held responsible if I get aids? And can they take legal action on me if I give one of them herpies?

6. If she's into it, and I know she will be, is it frowned upon to bone the rub and tugger? Seems kind of skuzzy..

7. Should I shit, shower, shave and treat this like a date before I go? Or can I just skip the shower, rep the pubic jungle, and shit at the massage joint before she rubs one off me?

8. Okay, lets say my penis listens to music. It would prefer the "metal genre" because it likes the excessive BPM. If shes yanking too slow, can I tell her to increase my BPM because my wiener is a metal head?

9. Can I haggle the price on the factors of age, weight, and preformance?

10. Is it rude to ask her to make me a sandwich before I leave?

This woman beats off men for a living, so I'm guessing she'll have a pretty stong forearm which means she'll have my junk in a death grip and could possibly rip it right off if I say the wrong thing. What things should I avoid doing/saying because as funny as it sounds, I do not want to walk out with my dick in my hand.

PabstBlueRibbon · 10-16-2009, 06:47 AM

Are you serious?

pimpa$aurus · 10-16-2009, 06:49 AM

Paying for sex is pretty grim but paying for a handjob is just laughable.

Just how old are you?

Im still creasing out loud now.

Skypilot · 10-16-2009, 06:54 AM

Thank you sir, you just made my day

joe p. · 10-16-2009, 06:55 AM

Seriously dude, you might as well just fire up trusty old redtube and do it yourself.

Handjobs are nothing to brag about.

Prof. Clenchington · 10-16-2009, 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PabstBlueRibbon

Are you serious?

I guess asking bikeguide for handjob advice is a bit far-fetched..

Pimpa$aurus, ugly people need loving too!

hieroglyphics · 10-16-2009, 06:57 AM

Those questions made me giggle. Just go in dressed like a pervert, wink frequently, and mention getting a "happy ending" 69 times.

JackDillon · 10-16-2009, 07:06 AM

Well i must say my friday night was looking completely shit house untill i read this.

Brendan O. · 10-16-2009, 07:22 AM

Sounds like a copy+paste joke to me...

blackbike263 · 10-16-2009, 07:31 AM

this is hilarious. go without showering for atleast a few days.

Kinchy · 10-16-2009, 07:48 AM

Ask her to finger your bum.

trent. · 10-16-2009, 08:03 AM

This is all based on what my friend has told me about the one in London, On.

You get to pick a girl out of a lineup.
Base fee up front, if you request anything during they tell you the price and you pay after.
You have a shower there before and after.
You can tell her to go faster/slower, squeeze harder/softer.
They will have condoms there because anything besides a tug/titfuck is gonna require one.
You are allowed to wear cowboy boots.

The end.

streetlove · 10-16-2009, 08:07 AM

Do it!

oceanblow · 10-16-2009, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheyThePeople

4. Is it rude to ask her to wash her hands before she touches me? After all, it's technically gay if she rubs off some dude and smears that filth all over me. Fuck that.

Rule is that it's only gay if balls touch. You'd be in the clear.

streetlove · 10-16-2009, 08:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oceanblow

Rule is that it's only gay if balls touch. You'd be in the clear.

me and my cousin dped a girl and ours touch does that make me gay or insest

screamingkettle · 10-16-2009, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheyThePeople

So, I'm contemplating going to this "adult massage joint" a few blocks from my house, but I have a few issues I need to iron out first, seeing as it will be my first time going to one.

Ahem.

1. If I walk in and all the women look like a bag of rusty ski-doo parts, is it disrespectful to just peace the fuck out?

2. Should I strike up a conversation with the woman or just point to my junk and lay down? I don't want to pay extra for unnessesary chit chat.

3. Should I bring a condom?

4. Is it rude to ask her to wash her hands before she touches me? After all, it's technically gay if she rubs off some dude and smears that filth all over me. Fuck that.

5. Do I have to sign some sort of legal document stating that the Massage Studio will not be held responsible if I get aids? And can they take legal action on me if I give one of them herpies?

6. If she's into it, and I know she will be, is it frowned upon to bone the rub and tugger? Seems kind of skuzzy..

7. Should I shit, shower, shave and treat this like a date before I go? Or can I just skip the shower, rep the pubic jungle, and shit at the massage joint before she rubs one off me?

8. Okay, lets say my penis listens to music. It would prefer the "metal genre" because it likes the excessive BPM. If shes yanking too slow, can I tell her to increase my BPM because my wiener is a metal head?

9. Can I haggle the price on the factors of age, weight, and preformance?

10. Is it rude to ask her to make me a sandwich before I leave?

This woman beats off men for a living, so I'm guessing she'll have a pretty stong forearm which means she'll have my junk in a death grip and could possibly rip it right off if I say the wrong thing. What things should I avoid doing/saying because as funny as it sounds, I do not want to walk out with my dick in my hand.

i hope by 'tug and rub' you mean sex.
if so, number3 is imperative. all others optional

Kinchy · 10-16-2009, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trent.

You are allowed to wear cowboy boots.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

screamingkettle · 10-16-2009, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by streetlove

me and my cousin dped a girl and ours touch does that make me gay or insest

both, which was the worst possible outcome from DPing a girl

EDIOT · 10-16-2009, 10:10 AM

the age old profession has been traded under countless namesakes, and massage is often a convenient favourite. When that said you can be sure that the operational and logistical side of the whole process has been refined for maximum efficiency, impressive sublety and ruthless intimacy.

let me answer a few of your questions in your order.

1. while massage parlours throughout the world do differ in the journey taken, they do work with throbbing similarities. Afterall, they do proverbially aim towards the same happy ending (where you actually aim may cost you differently). When you enter the parlour, there is often a place for you to sit. It ranges from a table and chairs in a bar setting with hooter style girls serving beer, with the massage girls chatting about with clients/ lined up, to a southern chinese style setting where you sit in a massage chair, where you can get a foot massage while flipping through a catalog of girls from which you pick.(the more advanced counterparts do offer an electronic booklet for billing convenience). often you are given a wristband, so all your spending (from food to normal massages to other services) are tabbed and you only worry about paying when you leave. my favourite version being the thai parlour where you go into a bar setting, and the girls actually all dressed in bikini's with numbers and sit behind a giant glass wall for you to pick - the humourous part being that the glass actually has posters showing the 'top sales' and 'the month's favourite' girls of the months. if you don't find anything you fancy, you can indeed just pay for the beer and leave. now that's a big worry out your mind isn't it!

2. the western and thai counterpart usually try to strike up some small talk when starting with a warmup massage/giving you a wash. however, if the no talk cool guy image is your thing, go right ahead and just ignore her. you don't even have to point, since they'll always 'slip' their hands down there to see if you're in business. when she does, just whack her hand with your boner - often that's enough of a hint. if not, she may be new to the job, in which case you may be able to just stick it in her butt and pee. tip more if you do.

3. no, condom's are complimentary and mandatory. unless you're in thailand and wouldn't mind paying more.

4. she will indeed wash. the thai variety often includes mouthwash and a rabies vaccine. technicalhomo would not occur. unless you wouldn't mind paying more.

5. you do not sign anything apart from your tab. you do not leave a name. you do not admit it's what it is. you went for a massage.

6. see if she reaches for the condom. rub and tugs are seldom just rub and tugs.

7. depending on the place really - in certain exotic parts of the world you could probably ask her to shave you while rubbing one out, while you're taking a shit. in the US you'll probably have to shower and wash before you even meet her. or him.

8. you don't have to worry about hinting on your taste of music. create your own with her, whip out the flute and get an orchestra going.

9. haggling is generally frown upon. massage parlours often have very, very big guys with bats that only appear at funny moments. you can, however, tip less though.

10. she'll end up ordering it from the bar. she could probably make you some mayo tho.

Jkr · 10-16-2009, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by trent.

You are allowed to wear cowboy boots.

This is so funny, I laughed for like 5 minutes

10-16-2009, 06:45 AM	#1
Prof. Clenchington Bg Veteran Join Date: May 2006 Location: Fort Mac Rep Power: 0	My First Rub & Tug So, I'm contemplating going to this "adult massage joint" a few blocks from my house, but I have a few issues I need to iron out first, seeing as it will be my first time going to one. Ahem. 1. If I walk in and all the women look like a bag of rusty ski-doo parts, is it disrespectful to just peace the fuck out? 2. Should I strike up a conversation with the woman or just point to my junk and lay down? I don't want to pay extra for unnessesary chit chat. 3. Should I bring a condom? 4. Is it rude to ask her to wash her hands before she touches me? After all, it's technically gay if she rubs off some dude and smears that filth all over me. Fuck that. 5. Do I have to sign some sort of legal document stating that the Massage Studio will not be held responsible if I get aids? And can they take legal action on me if I give one of them herpies? 6. If she's into it, and I know she will be, is it frowned upon to bone the rub and tugger? Seems kind of skuzzy.. 7. Should I shit, shower, shave and treat this like a date before I go? Or can I just skip the shower, rep the pubic jungle, and shit at the massage joint before she rubs one off me? 8. Okay, lets say my penis listens to music. It would prefer the "metal genre" because it likes the excessive BPM. If shes yanking too slow, can I tell her to increase my BPM because my wiener is a metal head? 9. Can I haggle the price on the factors of age, weight, and preformance? 10. Is it rude to ask her to make me a sandwich before I leave? This woman beats off men for a living, so I'm guessing she'll have a pretty stong forearm which means she'll have my junk in a death grip and could possibly rip it right off if I say the wrong thing. What things should I avoid doing/saying because as funny as it sounds, I do not want to walk out with my dick in my hand. __________________ Don't stick your hand anywhere you wouldn't stick your dick.

10-16-2009, 06:55 AM	#5
joe p. J. Power Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: North of Toronto, ON Rep Power: 85	Seriously dude, you might as well just fire up trusty old redtube and do it yourself. Handjobs are nothing to brag about. __________________ Flickr

10-16-2009, 07:22 AM	#9
Brendan O. Bg Veteran Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Delft, the Netherlands. Rep Power: 0	Sounds like a copy+paste joke to me... __________________ photo's \| flickr

10-16-2009, 07:31 AM	#10
blackbike263 Bg Veteran Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Worcester, Massachusetts Rep Power: 0	this is hilarious. go without showering for atleast a few days. __________________ Refs- Gnar_Rider, Funkyman010, Fkarcha, PArider, Logicbomb90, I<3Bike, L-daleRider, BreakOut

10-16-2009, 08:03 AM	#12
trent. PIZZA SNAKE Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Ottawa Rep Power: 150	This is all based on what my friend has told me about the one in London, On. You get to pick a girl out of a lineup. Base fee up front, if you request anything during they tell you the price and you pay after. You have a shower there before and after. You can tell her to go faster/slower, squeeze harder/softer. They will have condoms there because anything besides a tug/titfuck is gonna require one. You are allowed to wear cowboy boots. The end. __________________ naked photos of your step-dad

10-16-2009, 06:49 AM	#3
pimpa$aurus Tru Dappa Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: LDN Rep Power: 59	Paying for sex is pretty grim but paying for a handjob is just laughable. Just how old are you? Im still creasing out loud now.

10-16-2009, 06:54 AM	#4
Skypilot Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Southern France Rep Power: 0	Thank you sir, you just made my day

10-16-2009, 07:06 AM	#8
JackDillon Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Tasmania, Australia. Rep Power: 0	Well i must say my friday night was looking completely shit house untill i read this.

10-16-2009, 10:10 AM	#19
EDIOT Join Date: Oct 2002 Rep Power: 36	the age old profession has been traded under countless namesakes, and massage is often a convenient favourite. When that said you can be sure that the operational and logistical side of the whole process has been refined for maximum efficiency, impressive sublety and ruthless intimacy. let me answer a few of your questions in your order. 1. while massage parlours throughout the world do differ in the journey taken, they do work with throbbing similarities. Afterall, they do proverbially aim towards the same happy ending (where you actually aim may cost you differently). When you enter the parlour, there is often a place for you to sit. It ranges from a table and chairs in a bar setting with hooter style girls serving beer, with the massage girls chatting about with clients/ lined up, to a southern chinese style setting where you sit in a massage chair, where you can get a foot massage while flipping through a catalog of girls from which you pick.(the more advanced counterparts do offer an electronic booklet for billing convenience). often you are given a wristband, so all your spending (from food to normal massages to other services) are tabbed and you only worry about paying when you leave. my favourite version being the thai parlour where you go into a bar setting, and the girls actually all dressed in bikini's with numbers and sit behind a giant glass wall for you to pick - the humourous part being that the glass actually has posters showing the 'top sales' and 'the month's favourite' girls of the months. if you don't find anything you fancy, you can indeed just pay for the beer and leave. now that's a big worry out your mind isn't it! 2. the western and thai counterpart usually try to strike up some small talk when starting with a warmup massage/giving you a wash. however, if the no talk cool guy image is your thing, go right ahead and just ignore her. you don't even have to point, since they'll always 'slip' their hands down there to see if you're in business. when she does, just whack her hand with your boner - often that's enough of a hint. if not, she may be new to the job, in which case you may be able to just stick it in her butt and pee. tip more if you do. 3. no, condom's are complimentary and mandatory. unless you're in thailand and wouldn't mind paying more. 4. she will indeed wash. the thai variety often includes mouthwash and a rabies vaccine. technicalhomo would not occur. unless you wouldn't mind paying more. 5. you do not sign anything apart from your tab. you do not leave a name. you do not admit it's what it is. you went for a massage. 6. see if she reaches for the condom. rub and tugs are seldom just rub and tugs. 7. depending on the place really - in certain exotic parts of the world you could probably ask her to shave you while rubbing one out, while you're taking a shit. in the US you'll probably have to shower and wash before you even meet her. or him. 8. you don't have to worry about hinting on your taste of music. create your own with her, whip out the flute and get an orchestra going. 9. haggling is generally frown upon. massage parlours often have very, very big guys with bats that only appear at funny moments. you can, however, tip less though. 10. she'll end up ordering it from the bar. she could probably make you some mayo tho.